I turned 40 this August and life seems beautiful in many ways. I feel whole, every aspect that's important to me seems to be filled with meaningful possibilities. I have found love that is uplifting, I am pregnant with my first child, my career shows promising engagement now and in the future and finally, I have created a sense of community and family around me. Not to mention, my health seems under control, both physical and emotional. Presently, I also feel financially secure and comfortable despite soon to be a single mother. Nothing is perfect, but after years of trying to figure this out, I have finally started to feel complete. At the same time however, life also feels undone. I tend to live mostly in the future where my todo list items are checked off and I can then finally relax. Although, I was extremely organized in the past and worked off a to-do list, there's a very serious nature to my to-do list now. For example, an item like preparing your "hospital bag" before reaching 37th week of pregnancy seems critical, not just something that needs to be done. This sense of heightened important for my to do items probably goes hand in hand with what I am now responsible for as I get older. And this feeling of seriousness has increased my tendency to postpone my sense of hard earned well-being into the near term or short term future, once these important things are "done". I skip simple acts of self-care (like taking a morning walk or flossing my teeth before bed) as I dedicate all my mind space to a to-do list that has seemingly great impact to my life. Yet, the list is never fully checked off. As I take items off the list by working hard on them, other things get added. My sister has a catch-all reminder phrase - "welcome to the 40s" as she likes to put it. She is perhaps right in that I'm entering a phase of life that has responsibilities and attachments that will demand from me, more than I can give and there is no end to these duties. No one but me can clean up things that go wrong, like handling an unexpected bed bug infestation and it's me who has to show up fully at work, be present with my child and so on . These things have to get done, one way or another. Either I do them or I hire someone else to do it for me. It doesn't matter, as long as it gets "done". So, in a nutshell, a sense of completeness doesn't go with the feeling of being done, as one would expect. In life, completeness actually indicates a state of forward motion, hard work and the discomfort of never being done.
I was recently admitted into a DBT program at Stanford Health for patients who are pregnant or recently postpartum. DBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy, a popular program for people with bipolar or borderline personality disorder. It teaches several skills that help you cope with distress and learn emotional regulation. DBT has proven to be useful for all folks though, including people who struggle with anxiety and depression. One of the key philosophies here is the concept of Dialectics is recognizing opposing forces in each situation. It is an important coping skills for interpersonal effectiveness as well as handling stress. The completeness of life that brings with it busy-ness and lack of control over your "todo" list is just one such dialectic. What's not optional is letting go of things that bring wellness into the present moment - like self care and presence with those around us.